So, this may suck like woah, cause I typed it on my cell phone at 1230 at night in one fowl swoop, no editing or nothing. The result hopefully has the effect I was looking for...

You told me I needed help. You looked at me as if I terrified you and told me that I was crazy. But I didn't hear you. I heard about what happened when all of my... all the people were announced. Who I'd... killed. I heard about all these families calling for my death, calling for justice. I didn't hear them. I guess neither did the judge, he put me in jail. Like something would change before I died. Like I would turn out normal somehow. I wasn't sent here as punishment. I was sent here to be fixed. Because... they said I needed help.

Yesterday, a reporter came to my cell. There was a guard sitting in on our interview. She asked me why I do what I do, and I told her. To save them all from pain. The reporter thanked me and left. She came back this morning with a guest, she introduced her as Mrs. Hanover. When I said I'd never heard the name in my life, this woman began sobbing. Then she told me I killed her son. He'd been engaged the night before to a high school sweetheart. I didn't listen, because she didn't understand the pain I'd saved him from.

That's when i saw it. She looked up at me and I... I knew what was in those eyes. I knew what they showed. Torture. No, agony, endless and constant. Suddenly I could see this boy's funeral; a young girl with her heart broken... a little boy crying because he didn't have a big brother anymore.

What did I care though?! I can't save everyone, I wish I could. But then I saw you, Dom. I saw how much your heart had broken, all because of me. And I'd do anything to keep you from that pain. And I realized how much I would do to get rid of pain. I hate it. It's what makes life hell.

And i made it. I lived it. All this time, all i was doing was breaking hearts and souls in the palm of my hand, all in the name of salvation. I. Killed. Those people. Each of them had a mother... a lover, a sister, a child, a friend... Any pain I saved, i created in ten fold.

Everything I believe in is nothing. It's shambles. So what the fuck do I do? Do i run away from this existance, and take my own life? But no... for all the souls I have made cry, what waits for me is not paradise...

My life is a tool of evil. And i let it happen for the sake of hope. Hope for a world without pain. But there's no such thing. No such thing as a world without pain.

Γ Ρ Λ
(gamma rho lambda)

...yeah, i'm really having fun with my sorority :D We went to a thing where we were supposed to learn how to be good Greeks, and the keynote speaker pissed us off so much we left early and went to get lunch instead. Here's some of my favorite points he made:
IF you've never been to a jewish wedding, you should go. We were all dancing in a circle with linked elbows, and this 82 year old woman flew off and broke her arm. ITs just like greek life: one person ruins it for everyone.
Frat boys are the most homophobic people ever, and yet when one of them's drunk, they strip him and write on his ass with sharpie. (didn't address homophobia in greek life... just made jokes about it)
Who does hazing? Greeks, athletics, and rotc-type things. I guess the ROTC people can do what they want, they have different rules, they're being trained to just kill people.
At my recruitment for my frat, there were these two SKANKS in the hot tub. So boys: enjoy recruitment.

Yeah. there were a ton more. in general he tried to tell us to 'break greek stereotypes', and all he did was propagate them more. ESPECIALLY drinking. I mean, he talked about his 'Five Favorite Kinds of Drunks' and proceded to name 'the drunk who cries for no reason', 'the drunk who thinks they're amazing at dancing', etc. And he said that he didn't care if we drank or not, but remember there's a law that says we can't, so just kinda be careful about it and don't get drunk.

Sooo... GRL ditched that shit. And our president is totally going to write a formal complaint, because apparently this keynote speaker keeps coming back, like, every year. And we're gonna have tons of fun this year being crazy shakers and getting really annoying rules that are harmful not only to progressive greek life but to all multi-cultural organizations. So we're gonna rock.

Basically.

In other news, I'm the assistant stage manager for the musical! oh boy! XD

I'm joining a progressive women's sorority. It's going to be sooo awesome! Apparently the Progressive Alliance (KSU's queer/straight alliance) fell apart because of poor management or something, so this is my community of accepting, loving, lesbian/bi/trans people (also open to those who are straight or questioning!) I get to hang out with! And we get to do mixers with Delta Lambda Phi, the progressive men's fraternity. It's definately going to rock; we're the very first chapter to ever be on K-State. I'm going to be one of the ORIGINAL members of our chapter! How cool is that?! I cannot wait until we're official: the fun stuff happens this weekend when we go completely official, joining the K-State official greek system, joining GRL's national society... it's so exciting! Plus everybody I've met so far is sooo nice. Chelsey (the pres) has been emailing me since my first meeting on Sunday.

Is it symbolic I went to this meeting instead of going to church? ...yeah.

My mom is still acting like it isn't obvious... I told her that our sunday school lesson was on the Nativity... in the middle of summer. And she just went 'Okay.' and changed the subject. I really really would almost preffer she approach me about it and say 'Kelsey, are you bi/lesbian/whatever she wants to say?' Instead of me wondering when the hell I'll ever be able to tell her.

In other news, Gossip Girl premier was amazing. Hence the userpic. XD

I like this girl better. ...you can tell I'm still in the very early stages with this girl. I've found a little girl Marie, and then a preteen Marie.

Preteen: http://newfaces.com/hannahinmd

Little girl: http://newfaces.com/iamkyleigh

I think they look like they could be the same girl, especially in their main profile pics: they look like they're smiling the same way.

So, maybe now that I found a girl I think looks more realistic and less like a perfect model girl, maybe I can finally figure out things, like... personality. XD

So, I made an awesome techno song using Garage Band! I think I may have shown it to a few people already, but if you wanna listen, it's here on SendSpace:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/900d3m

I titled it Hola Nightshine cause I didn't know what else to call it. Hola came from In the Heights obsession. XD

Hooray! I got a haircut! It basically rocks my socks off, cause it's back to the length I had a year ago when I took my senior pictures (see userpic). Enjoy the bad pictures taken with my cell phone.

So yeah... I like it shorter, cause I was tired of so much WEIGHT on top of my head. XD I might be getting a better picture soon if my parents take lots of pictures while we're in Branson this weekend. So be prepared!

This is little miss Marie, right around thirteen years old here. I hope you all think she's as pretty as I do. Omg so pretty.

http://www.minxmodels.com/kmodels/alexandriab/alexandriab.html

So, Jean's daughter is slowly (very slowly) forming in my head. I have very little figured out about her. But I'm working on it.

Let it be known that if I cannot go in January to see Laura because my parents think it's a necessity to go to disney world over christmas break (since they cancelled the one we were supposed to leave for in two days) and because I need my wisdom teeth out, I will not go to Disney World with my family.

I'm not waiting one day longer than i need to.

And now if it rains tonight and tomorrow night, neither of my parents will have seen my show.

What the fuck. i hate my life. beyond comprehension.

I'm not gonna lie... I was so busy today, mostly hanging out with Rebecca, that it took be until I only had fifteen minutes left of the day to make up for my forgetfulness. And to think that I'd been thinking of nothing else for days and days.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE!



Whee, pretty random picture. And it's shiny. ^^

I love you, my angel. -kisses- Oh, and about your present... I'm gonna postpone on it for a bit, cause I... -cough- need to see if you buy something first, cause if you buy something, i wanna get you something different. -was that cryptic enough?-

So, I'm going back to glasses! Hooray! No more contacts that dry up my eyes and fall out and make my eyes hurt... and apparently I look older when I wear them!

-thinks of History Boys- My glasses are the last thing I take off... ;)